I wasn’t sure if I should write this but I just watched a spoken word performance and I thought I should. I know that I left us and messed it all up. But recently I have been seeing that I probably am the kind of girl who wants to make sure everything is going right. I take risks, only when I don’t risk the risk of everything falling apart, only when I am sure and only when I have once seen how it goes, because probably there’s a part of me that doesn’t make mistakes, that is obsessed with getting the bull’s eye in the first attempt, in the first story, in the first love all through to the end to a happy ending in the very first time.
Every movie I watch, I think of us, what went wrong and how else could things be. Songs, stories, quotes and situations are guests that visit me often with gifts, of our little time together. When I felt strong and weak at the same time. “Vulnerable” and “invincible” in the same breath. There was too much diplomacy, only that I didn’t know if I was ready to keep swaying between the two points forever. I didn’t know if I wanted to reach a destination ever.
It was important to feel that power brought by insecurity and at the same time seek the answer to the question: Am I in love with you?
All I wanted was being with you, that gave me a power as big as the abyss that I was standing on the edge of, being at the same time, unaware of its depth and volume.
I ran away, but am still there, standing and staring into the hole but looking at the impossible dreams I had. Fate and efforts to make it work no matter what probably disqualify me because I ran away.
But I ran till I pant with nothing but memories of you. That’s all that remains, it’s the scale for everything. Everything that I hate and love myself for. Unanswered questions breathe abundantly in my head, and answers always are twins. Two sides to every coin.
Today, I was walking back from the Railways station and it began to rain, heavily. I took out my rain coat, covered my head and bag, I picked up my slippers in the hand, looked up at the sky and smiled. I continued walking. The other people took to shelter in the shops nearby. I was listening to music and I decided to sing loudly as I walked.Guess what, I did. I didn’t give one damn about what people thought. The thought that I never ignored you and gave most of my attention to you, always on my toes, may perhaps be a reason why I felt like running away.
I stand confused before this huge hole, not knowing if it’s worth, or should I say not knowing whether I was worth.
But it always falls back to you, yet I don’t think I will come back. I don’t know why, but I still stand in the rain and think of you. I still carry your memories dearly. I miss being with you.
I probably miss you. So I stood there in the rain with you.
Because some butterflies fly even if it rains.